


Grief is love with nowhere to go

by Marber312



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec's not actually dead though, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comforting Alec, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Magnus Bane, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, Inspired by Quote, M/M, Magnus Bane singer, Magnus is a famous singer, One Shot, Sad, Sad Magnus, Short, Short One Shot, Sings his heart out, believed death, does not cover how magnus gets famous, i'm not good at summaries, not good at tagging, semi happy ending, short short sad with comforting ending one shot, title is a quote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 08:58:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10082492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marber312/pseuds/Marber312
Summary: Magnus can't stay in one place when Alec is decleared dead and the only thing that seems to help lessen the aching pain form the hole Alec left in his absence is to sing his heart out. Magnus is found and liked by the right people and get's the chance to tour the world with his songs but it seemes that wherever he goes he can't stop searching for Alec's face in the crowd even though he knows he'll never see it.(It seemes like I can put them through hell and sever pain but not give them a sad endingso Magnus is grieving Alec's death unbeknown said shadowhunter will turn up one day)





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this wasn't supposed to even happen.. But I read a quote and the idea popped up in my head. it goes:
> 
> "To love is to stand in the biggest crowed imaginable and still beyond all reason, look for the face of a person you know isn’t there"  
> – Chloe Frayne

He knew he wouldn’t see him. It would be ridiculous. He hadn’t turned to music writing and singing his heart out because he found time to do so. He didn’t leave the world he knew so well and a business he did so very well with his unmundane abilities because he just found a good jam. No, he ran away as fast and as far as he possibly could and when he couldn’t run any further and the pain had followed him wherever he had turned he had picked up an instrument;  he had picked up enough knowledge during the amount of time he had lived to know the basics of playing an instrument, and started to play his heart out because he'd _never_ see him again. The music was the only thing that seemed to dampen the screaming sorrow in his head and heart. The only thing that made the hole in his heart seem smaller. The only thing that seemed to still the tearing and slashing battlefield of grief that wouldn’t leave his heart alone.

He had sung until his voice went hoarse and then he continued until no sound came out at all and then he continued to play. He played the things he couldn’t say and wrote it all down in a desperate try to get it out of his head; to try and get the scars and pain from his heart to the paper. His heartache gave way to a never ending flow of songs which carried the tears he couldn’t allow himself to cry. He created an instant hit but the pain didn’t stop, so the songs didn’t stop either. Some of the right people heard him sing and signed him immediately. He didn’t really care what happened to his future as they kept telling him though. He didn’t care who heard him sing. He just wanted the pain to stop and he had nowhere else to run and the only thing that helped was putting his sorrow to paper and play it till his fingers hurt as much as his heart did.

One thing lead to another until he one day stood there in the spotlight in front of a crowd chanting his name. He was back in a place - in the centre of attention - he had long adored being in. He had people he could almost call friends around him making sure all the instruments sounded as they should and that all the lights worked and told him nice encouraging things. But he wasn’t really happy; he doubted he ever would be again, but he wasn’t as sad as he had been when his world had fallen apart and collapsed over him.

Well, He hadn’t been as sad as he had been, until they went on tour. It wasn’t the tour that got him sad, no he was exited at first. He had looked forward to driving around the world since he thought he’d finally find what took his mind off Alec; or something that would silence the echoing in his empty chest at least. But what happened ruined every thought he had of actually dampening the pain.

He made a big entrance and he heard the loud cheering. The light was bright and he felt _free_. He was in the middle of the spotlight, he looked great. Nothing should be able to go wrong but as the last song was nearing its end he looked down into the crowd and looked onto the faces he could see. He wanted to see for himself if the song actually touched people as he had been told. He thought that maybe that would be the final piece to silence the screaming void in his heart.

 

His eyes glanced passed the masses until it halted to take a second take. It felt like his heart stopped in his chest. It had jumped as a tall, black haired man stood close by the front. He had caught his attention since he was a head taller than all the people around him. He almost missed the last que by the pounding of his heart and as the song faded out he just stood staring. The man looked up to him and smiled widely and he shook his head getting himself out of the devastating hope his heart had conjured. The smile was crocked and, to be quite frankly, he had been dazzled by the man’s height and hair but with a closer look the man was quite underwhelming. He felt the tears burn as his heart dropped, sinking back to the bottomless hole it had jumped out of. The handsome shadowhunter wouldn’t just stand there one day. His beautiful Alexander wouldn’t just be standing in a crowd of hundreds, maybe even thousands and wait for his eyes to find his and dazzle him with the smile and bright eyes that had blinded him all those years ago. He turned around. He had started running the same day he wore all white and was let into the Institute by Izzy who wore makeup she then had cried away. He had stayed to say goodbye and to honour him in all the ways he knew he could before he started running and had never turned around. He looked flatly ahead and bowed. He couldn’t be haunted here to. He had nowhere else to turn, nowhere to run.

From that concert on his heart jumped and yearned each and every time he looked to the faces of the crowds that came to hear him sing but he never found the one he was looking for. The crowds grew and grew but the face he wanted to see was never amongst them. He knew it wouldn’t. He had been to his funeral but still, a part of him never stopped searching. Always hoping he'd see a miracle to always be disappointed. 

The last note rang out and it was just too much. It hurt singing his heart out when the pain never faded. It hurt to search for eyes he’d never see and every time be as disappointed as the first time and feel how his hope withered and died. He felt a tear fall down his cheek and couldn’t help a small chuckle.

“Sorry, the next song will continue any moment. What a great coincidence it’s: Grief is just love.

He could see the pity and love from his fans as he wiped the tear, and oncoming tears away and he guessed they all knew what his song was really all about now. His voice cracked. It sounded bad. He knew it did, but somehow it was just the way it should have been sung from the very start. It was based on a quote he’d read somewhere. He had read it online after a day on tour and had then cried himself to sleep. The next day he had an entire song added to his repertoire.

_Grief is just love with nowhere to go, nowhere to go when it cannot reach you._

_It hurts the heart as it’s too full of the loving which was meant for you._

_Grief is just love with nowhere to go._

_It’s an overflow._

_It’s love with nowhere to go._

 

He knew the performance was far from flawless but he didn’t care. Singing it with tears in the corner of his eyes and a lump in his throat somehow felt right. It was a reminder that he still meant the words as deeply as when he wrote them.

And that’s how he continued to sing from that day forth as he searched each and every crowd for the same face. The same eyes. Never to be found.

 

He got off stage drenched in sweat from the bright and strong lights and moving around. He was handed a towel and his manager hurried towards him. “There is a man here to see you. I don’t know who let him in but he knows you since he got in.”

Magnus nodded. It was most probably Jace. He had constantly told him to just call him so he could manage to get him in, the mundane way and not scare the crap out of some poor soul when he deglamoured and just suddenly appeared after security with no sign of how he got in. Magnus had told them to let them in if they had gotten that far. If they had, they either knew him or they needed to be praised for getting so far and passed his extensive safety control, both the mundane one and his unmundane wards.

He stopped dead in his tracks as he didn’t see the usual blond mop. It felt like his heart dropped to the floor and sunk through it at the same time as it had never felt lighter. There was a broad back turned towards him in a bland jacket, black jeans and dark raven hair. Black swirls hinting under the pushed up sleeves. The man turned and he stood looking up through his thick lashes. The very face and eyes he had searched for, for so long. He stopped himself from rushing over and flinging him into the man's arms and muttered a reveal spell, cat eyes flashing quickly but nothing happened. The man in front of him only gave him a hesitant smile looking at him with those bright and brilliant eyes he had so often dreamt about seeing ever since the day he knew he had seen them for the last time.

He felt cemented to the spot he stood. The shadowhunter just smiled at him and stood up from where he had been leaning into his full length. He was afraid to touch him in case he’d disappear. It wouldn’t be the first time he had phantomed the shadowhunter in front of him. _“Alexander…?”_ The uncertain smile widen ever so slightly at the sound of his name. But Magnus was still scared he’d vanish if he tried to touch him. “You’re dead.” As he always had been all the other times. “One isn’t dead until there’s a body.” Magnus reached his hand out even though he was still too far away to reach him. It was too good to be true. The man he searched for in every crowd, in every country and by each person he passed wouldn’t just one day show up. He had been to his funeral.

“How?” He took a step closer waiting for the man in front of him to vanish. “I don’t know. When I woke I set out to find you.” His smile grew wider for a second. “And you’re not very hard to find. You never really are, are you? For real though? _Magnus?_ ” At the mention of his stage name, hearing _his name_ roll off the lips he thought he had kissed for the last time he felt himself break.  

He could barely process what was being said. “You came to me first? What about Jace? Your Parba-” Alec took a step forward. “He’ll be on his way. He’d hug me before beating me into a pulp and I needed to see you first, before that.” It looked like he hesitated as his own hesitant eyes bored into his. “You’d cry,” Magnus tried to recoil. “I wouldn-“ but Alec’s disappearing smile stopped him from speaking. “You already are.”

He felt the wetness dripping down his chin and how new tears fell down his cheeks in a steady stream. Alec’s arms wrapped around him and his breath caught painfully in his chest. It smelt like him. It felt like him. He grabbed onto the back of his shirt and clung tightly. So tightly it hurt his hands and let his tear fall inhibited. He felt a sob rip through him. Was it really true? He shut his eyes and pushed into the familiar warmth and smell of Alec’s chest. How could he be? He had looked everywhere. He had searched until he could barely move. How could he have missed him? He felt Alec’s grip tighten around him. He wanted to fall to the ground. He wanted to shatter. It hurt so badly. He wanted to believe it was true and a part wondered how he could ever forgive himself if it were. A part of him knew it was true and the other part had been through the exact moment too many times to know better. The smell that filled his nostrils was as familiar as it was painful. Could he really have him back? He had missed him so bad it physically hurt having him back. His heart was imploding and he couldn’t handle it.

“I couldn’t find you. I looked everywhere.” He felt the tears burn and his chest tightening. He clung tighter but Alec was still there holding him back. “I’ve already mourned you once. I can’t lose you again.” He squeezed his eyes tighter as he let the sobs shake him. He wouldn’t be able to take it if he woke up now. He couldn’t bear waking up once more in tears and being hit with the cold harsh bitter truth; the silence echoing around him; screaming at him with Alec’s absence.

He felt Alec’s lips against his temple and he broke. He had wished for so long to have him back. He felt the sobs rip through him as he was held closer. He ugly cried. He cried out all the tears he hadn’t allowed himself to cry. He cried out all the pain he hadn’t allowed himself to feel because if he had it would have broken him beyond saving. He cried knowing he wouldn’t have to anymore. He cried because he had never been so happy, so relieved in his entire life.

When he finally stopped he couldn’t breathe. He heaved a breath and felt lighter. He took a small step away to wipe away his ruined and tear-smeared makeup with his sleeve. It had undoubtable been smeared out into an unbelievable mess. He noticed it hadn’t only smeared out on his face but onto Alec’s shirt too. He took a few shaky breaths before grabbing onto Alec’s shirt feeling the firm muscles underneath. He looked at his hands grasping the fabric. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. Alec was here, but he wasn’t supposed to be. He felt the tears fill his eyes again.

“But how..? Jace’s rune faded.” He looked up and it looked like Alec was hurting. He slowly shook his head. “I don’t know Magnus.” He briefly wondered how it could be that Alec looked like he was in pain before he reached his gentle hand to his cheek and wiped his new tear away. He was clutched tightly and held once again. “I’m so sorry Magnus. I’m sorry.” He felt the grip tighten even further around him until it felt like it would bruise. He let his fingers dig into Alec’s back once more making sure he really was real. He let out a sob filled laugh. Only his Alexander would apologise for the sorrow his own death had caused. Only his Alexander would ask for forgiveness for being dead.

**Author's Note:**

> The quote for the song is:  
> “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”


End file.
